Holding Myself Captive
Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck inside my own head, caught in a loop that I know all too well. It’s not that I’m doing nothing; I’m always doing something. But lately, I’ve noticed how often it’s the wrong things, or at least not the things that actually bring me peace. I’ve been spending hours scrolling through nonsense on my phone, telling myself it’s just a break, but I end up feeling more frazzled and empty than before. Or I find myself being incredibly productive with tasks that don’t really need to be done right now, exhausting myself on the stuff that doesn’t matter, all while ignoring what does.
5/29/20252 min read
Even though I know exactly where this comes from, the way my brain works, the patterns of my ADHD, I also know that at some point I have to call myself out. It always comes down to the same feeling: like there’s a mountain in front of me. Tasks start to pile up, little by little, until I can’t see the top anymore. That mountain is made up of all the things I don’t know how to tackle, all the things I’m secretly afraid I can’t do. It’s easier to sink into distraction or to fill the hours with busy work than to face that feeling head-on. But of course, that doesn’t make the mountain go away. It only grows taller.
This is the loop I’ve seen play out so many times before, the loop that comes with ADHD. I know it’s not just a small slip; it’s a real way of getting stuck. Those steps back do feel like failure. And in a way, they are. They’re the moments when I don’t follow through on what I know I need. But they don’t erase the steps forward I’ve already taken. They don’t mean I’m done or that I can’t try again. They just mean I have to decide how I pick myself up. And I will.
What I’m realizing now is that I need to be more honest with myself about those steps back. They don’t mean I’m not moving forward; they’re just part of how I move. My life has always been two steps forward and one back, or sometimes ten steps back, leaving me to scramble to catch up. But I’ve never let that stop me. I always find my footing again. I know how to keep going, even when it’s hard.
Right now, that means going back to the basics. I need to stop telling myself it’s okay to keep pushing away the things that really matter. I need to get up and move, even if it’s just a walk outside or shutting down my phone for an hour. I need to do the small things that have been haunting me, not because they’re perfect or impressive, but because they’re what make the mountain smaller, one task at a time.
Because in the end, no matter how high the mountain gets, I know how to find my way up. And I know I’ll get there, even if it’s just one small step at a time.
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